Grace

Beth always loved her time at Grace's. She remembered that first time her father took her there. It was a small house, just two rooms, one for sleeping and one for everything else. There was a large hearth on one wall with a table and a couple of mismatched chairs nearby. There was a comfy chair and footstool sitting not far away. Beside the comfy chair was a basket of needle work. The lone window had a clean, starched white curtain. The house emanated warmth and love. You walked into the front door and the smells of baked goods would just soak into every pore. But when she saw Grace her eyes became as big as saucers. Grace was a stern, sever looking woman. She was tall, lean and you could tell that she meant business, someone you wouldn't want to cross. Beth remembered that out of fear she didn't want to let go of her father. Once her father left, Beth stood in that same spot for most of the morning. Grace was fixing some tea and she spoke for the first time saying "you going to stand there all day, girl?" Beth jumped almost out of her shoes. "Come on girl, I don't like to eat alone." said Grace. Beth almost fell over her own feet getting to the table. Soon Beth felt comfortable with Grace and came to love her. She found that next to her father, Grace was her favorite person. She worked hard to learn everything she could from Grace. At first she was quiet, afraid to say anything, then it was like someone opened the flood gates, the questions would not stop. Some days, Beth remembered, that she would barely get out one question before another would occur to her and would stumble over her words trying to ask both questions. Grace would say. "Slow down, girl, ask 'em one at a time. I sure can't answer 'em any faster." One day Grace laughed out loud at Beth when she tripped over her own feet trying to get the flour to the table and ended up with it all over her. This is when Beth realized that Grace, although expected obedience, was a loving and warmhearted woman. After that Beth found herself laughing at her own clumsiness and she felt as much at home at Grace's as she did in her own home.

Now that Beth was grown, she was doing her best to take care of her father. Nothing made her happier than looking after her father. She had noticed, of late, that something was bothering her him. She didn't like that he was troubled, but when she would talk to him about her concerns he would brush her off, " Oh, it's nothing, Li'l Beth, just thinking about what I have to do today." She knew that this was not the problem. There was something else. She had seen her father thinking about the day before and this was more serious. She was determined to find out what was bothering her father. That old man was here again yesterday, Beth remembered. 'I wander if he has something to do with her father's troubling thoughts.' Beth couldn't quite put her finger on it but that old man reminded of her of someone or something, she wasn't sure, bothered her though. "I'm going to have go see Grace today. Maybe she can shed some light on the situation with her father." Beth said to herself.

Beth..

Beth, is a tall girl, 5'9", slim, weighing about 130 lbs, muscular like a cat. Long lean muscles that are their with out being ostentatious. You know they are their because of the control she has over her body, but just standing their you only see the soft smooth curves a woman is suppose to have. Her hair is long, down just below the curve of her rump. Blacker than night yet with a shine that looks like the moon on the ocean. Thick and soft as silk, straight until you get to a few inches to the ends and then there is a slight curl. Her father always said that when she was a baby that she had masses of black curls. Beth, preferred to wear black, it allowed for her to hide in the shadows. But she looked best in blue, especially the color of sapphires. This would bring out the deep azure blue of her eyes.   Every boy in the village wanted her for their own and every girl hated her but secretly wanted to be her. She had been told since she was a baby that she was pretty. It is one of those things that when you have something it is not appreciated. Beth really didn't want to be pretty. She always hated those girls that would use their looks to get what they want. She didn't want anyone giving her something just because she was pretty. She wanted to earn it with her brains. Not only was she pretty but she was very smart. Intelligent, quick witted a very capable young lady. Except she was more tomboy than lady. Since her mother died her father tried his best to teach her the things that a lady should know. She was a very accomplished girl. She could read, and actually enjoyed reading, she played the piano like a pro. She could dance, and actually enjoyed dancing, at least with her father. When she came home from a dance she would always tell her father that the boys hands were sweaty. It was getting harder and harder to get Beth to go to those dances. Her father was at a loss. He knew she was going to have to get married so that she would have someone to support her. He was really getting worried as he knew he didn't have much time left. That old man came to see him again today. He is the same man that came to visit Beth's mother before she died.

She was a very independent girl and did everything she could to help her father. She was very young when her mother died but she remembered how hard it was on her father, trying to care for a young girl of 4 and try to keep food on the table. If it hadn't been for Grace, he would not have been able to manage. She told Beth's father to send the girl on over every morning and she would teach her the things a girl should know. Mumbling something about not having children of her own to teach the stuff . So Beth went everyday to Grace's home in the village. Grace taught her the basics like cooking, cleaning, rudimentary medical care, gardening among other things. Grace was kind and warm hearted. Yet she was stern and expected obedience. She was one of those kind of people that didn't like to repeat themselves, so Beth quickly learned to pay very close attention. It is not that Grace ever hit Beth for any reason, nor was there any shouting, it is just that you know when Grace was upset or angry. With Grace being the kind and warm person that she was you would not want to chance to upset her. Everyone felt this way about Grace. Grace was well loved and everyone would go out of their way to do what she wanted, and Grace liked it this way.

Tired

I'm tired. Tired to the point of almost giving up. How can I go on when every day is painful to the point that I think I'm loosing my mind. I'm sure you have heard the commercial  "depression hurts." Well that is an understatement. Some days I feel that my heart is going to sink to my feet it feels so heavy. All I have to do is get through one day at a time. But, continuing to live like that, one day at a time, never knowing from one day to the next if I'm going to feel up to getting dressed, getting out of bed, doing anything but sitting and staring into the unknown, not seeing anything and trying not to feel anything.

I know my family is worried. But I don't know what to do about that. I don't like that they are worried. So I think of alternatives to this way of life and all I see is the same thing day after day. Maybe if I just gave up. I know that sometimes I feel that hopeless. I know that my family would not have me to worry about. That would be one problem solved. But then I think what will it do to my family if I did give up. How would that affect them. Would it be worse than the worrying? I just don't know. I love my family and I don't want them to worry about me, but I also don't want them to hurt because of me.

I find myself in a conundrum. To live or die. That is the question that plagues me most days. I'm tired and really wish I could just give up. Maybe the next time around things will be less something, I don't know what, but less...

I recently told Liz that if not for my lack of job and the depression and anxiety  my life would be really pretty good. After all, I'm physically healthy, I have beautiful healthy kids and granddaughter. My siblings are not in the best of health but they are getting by, or so it seems. My sisters kids are doing well enough. My mother is getting older and having the problems that the old have. She is going to have her other knee replaced. I worry about her going into the hospital. The last time one of my parents went into the hospital it was for a routine procedure only to die before he could come home. I do miss Dad. God only knows why though. I have spent all of my adult life complaining what a creep he was, a terrible father. Sometimes I think the  only reason I miss him is because I don't have that hate anymore. You get use to having that feeling day-in and day-out that when it is gone you mourn its loss.

Well, enough about this being tired. It is Liz's birthday. She is going to be, dare I say it, 34. I find it really hard to believe that she is that old or that I am old enough to have a 34 year old child. I love her though even if she does make me feel old. Have a good day my little Lizzie.